I just lost my job.

This week on Monday, I lost my job. I thought it was my fault for not doing a good job.

No, it has nothing to do with me.

My (ex-)employer is going through company restructuring. And in the process, I was dragged to the chopping block. My position as a technical writer is considered redundant… and they don’t have other suitable positions that suit my skills and qualifications. So I was released.

I have lost my head, but they are still offering me compensation for the inconvenience. Thank you in advance my ex-employer. Let’s wait and see if they are going to do so.

I honestly don’t know how to feel at this moment. In one way I find it devastating to experience. I lost my main source of income. But then I will be given compensation. I’m frustrated, but I’m still grateful for the token of appreciation.

Now, I must make sure that token can be visibly seen. I will wait for the money to hit my bank account. If nothing happens, I will take actions accordingly.

Losing a job is indeed a bad experience, but at the same time it’s also freeing to me. I don’t have to pretend that I love my job anymore.

I used to love what I did, but that feeling fell out eventually over time.

I must admit I have already quitted my job quietly since last year. I think it started after I began a transition to become a business analyst.

Everything was chaotic. I struggled to multitask and learn new things. There were so many things I was clueless about. And throughout the transition, I found myself getting caught with imposter syndrome.

So I failed. I didn’t become the business analyst. 

Some time later, I went on autopilot mode. A rather voluntary one. I gave the barest minimum in everything I did. In my head, I was officially done. It went on and on for many months… until my termination this week.

Right now, I am a jobless person. But I’m a grateful, free jobless person. I feel tired, but I am still optimistic. There are better things waiting for me out there. I am glad that I have enough savings to survive the upcoming months while searching for new opportunities.

The best thing I can do for myself is take a good rest for a while. Then I will start exploring. Still, I don’t want to rush. I will take things slowly. To me, the best things will happen any time whether I am ready or not.

I choose to take it easy this time because the same thing happened before. I lost a different job back in 2019. The job was content admin, and I was working at a telco company at the time.

It was not because of redundancy. I lost my job that year mainly because of skills issues (read: I sucked at that job). I ended up being jobless until the end of year when I snatched a customer service job at an e-commerce company that later closed down after a few years.

I really hated myself at that time. I hated myself for not doing a good job. I was also very quiet and passive. Those things cost me that job. When I was unemployed, I ended up in a period when it was extremely difficult for me to land any job. It was hell all around me.

I have made up my mind. I may have become jobless again this time, but I won’t be returning to that hell. Not even a peek or tiptoe into the inside.

The storm passes eventually, so is this challenging moment. This world is abundant with new places and opportunities that I can explore. 

I look forward to the new life and new chances ahead. The best things and moments are all for me.

With warmth and hope, Nurul.